The millionaire Montigomery Sttean, owner of the Sttean National, has gone public to announce the hiring of a superhero personal bodyguard. Montigomery or Monty, as he is better known, is now protected by the armored vigilante The Golden Knight. For months rumors have circulated about Sttean's relationship with The Golden Knight, who has often appeared out of nowhere to stop villainous attacks against Sttean and his corporation.

"With all those super villains hanging around Paragon City I think it’s a logical decision," says Sttean. "But I can assure that being my bodyguard will not interfere with the heroic role played by The Golden Knight." Asked about the benefits of having a bodyguard that is never seen with him, Sttean state that, "The Golden Knight is an low profile superhero. It could appear that he is not around but I can say that he is as close to me as this briefcase right here."

The repercussion of Sttean's decision can already be seen across Paragon City, with an increase in the number of ads for superhero jobs appearing in public locations.

The most common question that many super villains ask me is: "How can I turn my geranium into an unspeakable horror?" It's a valid question, and something I've found many a would-be mad scientist inquires about. There is, of course, a right way of growing your own chlorophyll-powered abomination and there is a wrong way.

Firstly, you should choose a plant of at least moderate intelligence. I suggest a chrysanthemum or dandelion. Weeds not only have a great deal of intellect, but have a deep thirst for vengeance. Many feel that a Venus Fly Trap would be nice, but be wary. Venus Fly Traps are undisciplined and may well turn on you, not to mention very cliché in villainous horticultural circles.

The second step is to acquire your plant. I suggest getting a plant from the wild, since florist-bought plants are already placated and domesticated. Once you have your plant, feed them high concentrations of nitrogen and uranium-232. Fresh seaweed is an excellent source of nitrogen. You'll need to replant them into bigger pots almost every week if you keep it well fed.

The third step is weaning the plant off water and onto human blood. You would think that blood being 95% water would make this task easier, but it is actually a very delicate procedure. Keep in mind that most plants are vegetarian in nature, so you don't want to shock them too much with their new diet. The fresher the blood, the easier they'll take to it, and for God's sake don't feed them animal blood. We want a man-eater, not a dog-eater!

The fourth step is to incite a hatred of mankind. The easiest ways I have found to accomplish this is either one of two ways. You can either have the same episode of Seinfeld playing over and over. The other fashion is to take your plant to a Tony Robbins seminar. There is a third option, by which having the plant join Amway, but I found that was just too cruel to the plant.

Once the plant has reached the desired height and temperament, it is time to send it off to terrorize the locals. One last bit of wisdom, if you accompany your plant, be sure to wear a fully sealed suit with a breathing apparatus. The herbicide they will use to keep your plant-monster at bay really stings the lungs.

As more and more young heroes enter Paragon City to defend its citizens against evil, the old guard trains these champions to better control their powers. By improving their mastery of their abilities, heroes can perform feats not within their previous reach.

One such ability is creating a strong build up of solid ice around the entire body, which absorbs damage, and effects attackers' ability to land blows. However, some heroes are dissappointed by this skill's cosmetic effect to their outward appearance.

"It's, like, totally hideous," said one superheroine, known as Ice Princess by both her registration card and her peers. "I've worked, like, so hard to keep this awesome bod. Why would I want to make myself look so chunky?"

All-female teams such as Amazone: The Max Factor were quick to announce no association with Ice Princess.

Others have remarked the new power weakens their ability to intimidate their foes. Says cold-wielding vigilante The Fearsome Frost, "I worked so hard on my costume and ori...er, my technique, but now whenever I power-up, the bad guys just laugh at me."

This reporter spoke to the Trainers responsible for teaching this new ability to the younger heroes, and their comments all agree that more, "better" looking abilities can be learned after developing the Ice Armor power. In addition, they comment it is much more valuable to be able to defend yourself, than look "cool" in front of your peers. The more superficial ice heroes don't seem to care much however.