Paragon City nearly lost its head Tuesday morning when the Statesman's helmet was mistakenly abducted. Our number one protector was called to the scene of a rally in support of The Fifth Column. The demonstration, having been a huge point of contention in our city for weeks, was nearing peaceful completion when a group of overzealous Fifth Column supporters, reputedly from Chicago, began looting neighborhood shops. Cars were overturned and store front windows were smashed. Angry anti - Fifth Column demonstrators were then attacked and in the ensuing melee, several of Paragon's finest were called in to intervene.

The Statesman had very nearly rounded up the troublemakers, when a gang of Freakshow roughnecks arrived, further spiraling the conflict upward. Many members of the super team The Irregulars aided Statesman in the clean up but not before a well aimed city bus was thrown, knocking our heroes several blocks away. Statesman, who was late for a promotional appearance at the new Circle K on Park Avenue with its free croissants on Tuesday mornings, furiously rushed back to the scene quickly ending the confrontation with several well timed whompings.

However, the top dog's difficulties did not end there. It seems that his helmet was knocked from his head post bus catching and in his haste to return to the fight, he had not noticed it missing. After securing the area and adjusting his helmet-haired coiffure, Statesman flew off to retrieve Paragon's most widely recognized bucket. His helmet however was not at the impact scene. After several anxious minutes, Statesman's helmet was found in a nearby game of kick the can. It was a game in which Statesman gladly participated.

The Statesman and the youths involved then made the trip to Park for free croissants and a new, less unique can. When reached for comment, the Statesman had but one thing to say, "I hate Nazi's," and flew away.

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Misty Dispersed

by Jerry Cain

Crey Industries has been announced as the official sponsor of the upcoming Miss Paragon City Beauty Titles to be held at the Geneva Hotel in August. This year's pageant will see the resumption of the annual Beauty Titles since its sudden halt two years ago by a Freakshow assault.

"It is a good day when Crey can help Paragon City move back to a simpler time," says Alicia Medows, former Miss Paragon and spokeswoman for Crey's Beautiful Girl Plus cosmetics. "Crey Industries wishes to bring back some of the romance and innocence that Paragon City had before the Rikti attacked. The beauty pageant will allow a group of girls to shine above and beyond their usual capability, with one special girl getting more than she ever dreamed!"

The Miss Paragon City Beauty Titles were cancelled two years ago after Freakshow disrupted proceedings and abducted several of the contestents who were later rescued by Felonious Monk and The Posse (now disbanded). Crey has assured the public that such things won't happen again.

"Crey will be providing full security for this event - Freakshow, or any other villainous group, won't provide any problems," says Miss Medows.

Protesters have already plan to boycott the event. "It's degrading to women to been seen in such a light. We should be respected for our achievements, not treated like meat!" said one angry protester.

Heroes have had mixed reations to the news. Most have expressed indifference, but Boodikka, leader of the all-female Amazones, had strong words for both Crey and pageant organisers: "If Crey Industries knows what is good for them, Boodikka will win the beauty contest... and none of that Miss Congeniality crap! Boodikka will win, and other Amazone members will be runners-up...... OR THERE WILL BE TROUBLE! BOODIKKA WILL WIN THE CONTEST OR CREY INDUSTRIES WILL BE A LARGE HOLE IN THE GROUND! Do you have any Little Debbie's Swiss Cake Rolls on you?"

All Paragon City women aged 18 - 30 have been encouraged to enter the pageant.

The hero claims that all it took was to spit in their eyes. Needless to say, reflexes and various pointy weapons do not necessarily go hand in hand.

An attempted interview with the hero resulted in this hero (we will not print his name) being offended.

A few of his words (although he was at first mumbling and then yelling) were, "You try and spit in some super villains eye! It ain't all that easy you damn reporters!"

An attempt at asking if spitting was one of his super powers resulted in a demonstration of said ability. Again, almost needless to say, this reporter is going to stick with writing stories out on a laptop from his desk. Having only mundane writing instruments and natural reflexes to protect oneself can result in you feeling quite stupid.

It appears upon farther investigation that this hero got his idea from the ninjas on skyscrapers. These specific ninja are spitting down on pirates walking the streets of Paragon City. This now clarifies why some pirates had earlier mugged a weatherman shouting, "Arrrh! Ye never predict de slight drizzles!"

Bionic eyes have sold out in shops all over paragon. The truthfulness of this story relies largely on the Hero that was interviewed. Any collaborating evidence found at a later date may or may not be pure coincidence.

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On Saturday during an unexpected Rikti incursion two teams, the Justice Force lead by Superstellar and the Children of the Elements lead by Yin, conquered a small elite division of the extraterrestrial race attempting to escape Paragon City Harbor to invade other locations. The heroes battled their way through energy cannons, laser beams, and aliens powerful enough to enter the minds of our heroes and possess them. The battle seemed almost interminable until both leaders had combined their efforts and took down the remaining division of Rikti.

“It was a fight like no other I’ve experienced.” reported Superstellar, proud leader and founder of the elite team known as Justice Force. “We were confident all the way through, especially with strong allies like the Children of the Elements by our side. Without their help, some of those Rikti would’ve escaped. We were just lucky to have an extra pair of eyes in the sky.”

There were reports that there were very few casualities were on the side of the heroes and defeat was total amongst the Rikti and various villain organizations that had made a collaboration with the elite alien force. “Freakshow, Fifth Column, the Clockwork King; you name it, they were there.” stated Vulcan, the Children of the Element’s fire controller. “It could’ve been described as an Armageddon or even a Second Holocaust at one point during the outbreak. There were so many civilians to protect..."

"I was getting tired, and I have super speed!” added Chain Lightning, the speedster of the Justice Force.

The mayor of Paragon City Hall was thankful to both teams for preventing the group of Rikti from escaping. Reports have it that the second Rikti invasion would’ve been a revival of the first if that small division were to have escaped through the Harbor.

“Too put it simply, it was a matter of life and death. If we let them escape, then this invasion would’ve expanded and gotten out of control.” reported Yin, leader and founder of the Children of the Elements.

“We’re thankful that the Justice Force was there before us, because if we arrived there without backup, then there would be no way we could take them all down.” said Syr, member of the Children of the Elements.