The Paragon Beholder Byline: We See What Goes On!

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Issue #: 6 (Apr. 2003)

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Dealing with the Neighbours

by Tyffany Summers, Fashion Editor

Getting on with your neighbours is an important part of suburban life. Little things like keeping your lawn clean, keeping the noise down and saying hello as you pass by can help establish a friendly relationship with those who live near you.

This doesn't change if you are a hero.

Sure, you have to go off and save the world now and again, but this doesn't give you the right to play loud music all night or let your mutant attack dog leave its messes in the street. People, be they heroes, villains or citizens, will get rightly irritated at this irresponsibility. If you do this kind of thing, people will talk about the hypocrite that talks big about cleaning up the crime in Paragon City, yet can't even clean up after himself.

Let's have a look at some of the ways you can keep your neighbours happy and your reputation intact:

  • Don't leave your experimental AI battlesuit powered up as you go out for a couple of hours - it will invariably become sentient and go on a rampage through the neighbourhood.

  • If you have a battlecry or trademark exclamation, use it quietly around home - screaming "By Wotan's beard!", "For the honour of the Rat Clan!" or even "Up, up and away!" gets very annoying when you hear it through the walls everyday .

  • Never practise your powers in your living room - a stray fireball is bound to blow through your wall and fry the dog next door. Even if the dog deserved it, the neighbours won't thank you for it.

  • Don't bring supervillains home for interrogation as they are bound to escape and take old Mrs Fry hostage. You will be blamed for this.

  • Speedsters should restrain from causing sonic booms in residential districts unless they are willing to pay to replace all the windows they blow out.

  • Get your Plant Control team mate to help your green thumb neighbour with their roses for major karma points.

  • Heroes with sonic attacks should never go singing carols at Christmas, just in case.

Follow these tips, say "Hi!" when you go on patrol and you will never be "forgotten" when the block party invites go out. Ciao!

GameFace, Agony Aunt

Got a question you need answered but feel embarrassed to ask it? Write in to the Beholder and a qualified (well, kinda!) hero will give it to you straight. This month GameFace is on the floor taking questions.

Q: I'm a female hero that is very successful in stopping the bad guys, but I'm really bad with the whole guy-girl thing. A turning point in almost any relationship I have is when the guy finds out I can benchpress about 6000 kilograms - they go pale, stammer a goodbye or two and I never hear from them again. Should I keep my massive strength secret from the guys I date? - Super Strong

GameFace: Keeping secrets is certain to screw up more relationships than big biceps every time.If a guy can't handle that you can pick up a car when you first meet, what makes you think he'll take the news any better later on? Don't make a point of it, but make sure any guy you are getting interested is aware of your powers and isn't going to freak later on when things get serious (well, about the powers, anyway!). If a guy can't accept what gifts you have, move on until you find someone who can.

Q: I've started dating a women on my team and things are going great between us. However, our other team mates haven't reacted well to our relationship, leaving us out of missions and sometimes not talking to us.

What can I do to get these guys to accept the beautiful thing that I have with my lady? - In Love

GameFace: I'm sorry, but actually YOU are the one that has to be brought into line. Before you and your squeeze got together, your team was probably going along fine, fighting villains and taking names as you went. Suddenly, things have changed.

Your team mates can't be sure that you or your girl will be available for missions, or that they can trust you with their lives if you are always watching out for your girlfriend. If you want your team to accept what has happened, *you* are going to have to put the effort in to show them that this relationship you have won't impact on mission results.

Q: I've recently been given superpowers by a freak accident, but I have a problem - I don't want to be a hero! I don't want to fight crime! I'm happy being an accountant... but everyone I know keeps expecting me to don tights and start hitting people. What should I do? - Empowered

GameFace: Nowhere is there a rule that those with superpowers must be heroes. Enjoy your life in accountancy! Your new powers can still be useful in day-to-day life: Flight can cut travel time, Fire Control can make you a special guest at any barbecue and Light Control can save you a fortune in power bills. Remember - it takes more than just powers and skills to make a hero!

Horoscope

Certified via the Midnight Squad's Order of Astrology

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
After numerous snickering and innuendoes your homophobia gets the best of you and you finally change your costume, perhaps two something with rubber nipples or made from leather.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You will wake up to find that someone has taken your heroic alter ego to fight crime in your name, leaving you free to lead a normal life. But it turns out your in a dream world and it was all a ploy to get you out of the way.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Bad news - your father is the bad guy and you just made out with your estranged girlfriend or sidekick.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Sometimes it seems that your direct phone line to the Mayor doesn't ring as often as it used to; are you drifting apart?

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Considering your appeal range, you will embark on some new adventures teaming up with a more ‘ethnic' version of you.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You'll look your super hero name up in the dictionary, and it does not mean what you thought...

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Clockwork King will deploy his killer toy soldiers, exploding jack in the boxes, and man-eating teddy bears. And its not even close to December!

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will think of the perfect one liner, about an hour after the fight ends.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Bazooka Wielding Ninja Rabbits! You still won't see it coming.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Stop humming the theme music you wrote for yourself last night - you're getting looks.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You will find yourself transported to a completely opposite universe. Instead of being the hero, you are now wanted by the authorities!

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You will look back on your origin and realize that it did not go the same way you previously thought. Funny how that happens.


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Issue #: 6 (Apr. 2003)

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