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Issue #: 4 (Feb. 2003)

From the Streets


Statesman and others foil Fifth Columns plans!

by Jake Kastellan

Paragon City had almost lost the well-respected Paragon Harbor last night at the stroke of Midnight. Requiem, the leader of Fifth Column, has been accused of illegally exporting stolen Rikti technology to the Russian government and has been importing illegal chemicals to construct biological weapons below the surface of Paragon City in their underground bunkers for future plans in massive destruction for Paragon.

“It is a good thing to know that we’ll always have a pair of extra eyes in the sky at times like this. If it wasn’t for a few members of the Vanguard Elite, we would’ve never been able to stop this operation successfully.” says Statesman, Paragon’s number one hero and role model. “There was an estimated several hundred gallons of various biological chemicals found in their bunker headquarters and our top scientists in the city are working around the clock to figure out a way of disposing these chemicals without harming themselves or the inhabitants of this metropolis.” he continued.

Intelligence believes that the attack the Fifth Column was birthing was aimed to wipe out all hero organizations over Paragon with little concern about the rest of the population. Requiem, however, was reported missing once Statesman, some members of the Freedom Phalanx, and the Vanguard Elite had arrived to the scene of the crime. Reports have it that he’s in an underground bunker located off the coast of Paragon, perhaps in another state or country at the time until he can reorganize himself.

“Wherever he may be, we’ll find him before he has the opportunity to construct something this devastating again, and you can be sure of that.” reported Spotlight, the Freedom Phalanx’s light controlling hero.


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City Hall May Call For Cleanup of SoS HQ

By Malachi Smith

It seems trouble is brewing for Paragon City’s southern super team, the Sons of The South. Not a threat from some megalomaniac super villain this time, however, this threat comes directly from the Son’s own neighborhood. The Paragon City Beautiful Commission has declared the famed Trailer of Solitude a public eyesore and menace.

Mrs Irene Hossenpheffer, Chairman of the PCBC, states in her thirty-two page complaint letter to the City Council, "I realize the Sons of the South have saved this city several times, but really now. All those super-vehicles up on cement blocks, the high grass and unsightly hedges, the mountains of beer cans. It's disgusting and no way to represent a noble and beautiful city like ours."

When reached for comment by telephone, SoS member The Home Run Kid informed the Beholder, “Well, as the one and only sidekick on this team, all I can say is, I just don’t have enough time to keep this place clean. I mean it’s hard enough to keep Rebel Yell standing upright. And when I do have free time, I am usually returning all the Slobberknocker empties to keep up the rent on the Trailer of Solitude. I mean I keep trying to knock the mountain of beer cans down to a molehill, but BBQ after BBQ... I just can’t do it. And lets not forget all the times we tried to have the ‘We just saved the city, lets have a party’ parties at other teams headquarters...whether they don’t want to deal with the noise in their upscale neighborhoods, or maybe they just don’t want Lonestar pukin’ up on their hovercraft. Maybe Ms. Hossenpheffer will remember its hard to save the world, but its even harder to stop the Sons of the South from being what they are, are bunch of crazy rednecks who love to drink, BBQ, and never fix a car.”

It is noted that Mrs Hossenpheffer’s estate borders the large lot occupied by the Son’s Headquarters, and she has in the past lodged several complaints with both the local police and the City Commission regarding noise from the property. On one occasion, the complaints involved “animal carcasses and rotten fruit” being hurled, apparently via homemade catapult, into Hossenpheffer’s rose garden. No charges were formally filed or arrests made by officers, however.

City Councilman Willie Bascomb offered little insight into the matter, saying only that the complaint letter was being reviewed at this time and that the matter should be settled within the month.


Continued next column...

Continued from previous column...

When asked about the issue, SoS member Juggler said, "We have been hearin' about this Paragon City Beautificashun Committee complaining about us workin' on our truck in the yard and our pile of Slobbernocker cans. Now we do work on cars in the yard (we use a chain over the branch of the oak tree out back to pull engines) but that is a valuable service we provide to the community in our spare time and the pile of beer cans is our recycling effort - another service to the community and a patriotic duty I might add."

"Now as far as the allegashuns of spotlighting the deer from the Treestand of Justice at night down at the petting zoo in Paragon Park, that's just totally untrue..."


A picture of the SoS 'headquarters'.

A picture of the SoS 'headquarters'.


Classifieds


RESEARCH ASSISTANT

Local laboratory specializing in high-energy weapon and equipment research and testing has an opening for an assistant researcher. Min requirement: an open mind and quick on your feet. First aid skills and lack of familial ties a big plus!

Apply in person:

Apocalypse Laboratories, 666 Paper Street, Old Soap Factory, Paragon City


Wanted: Insect Heroes

Seeking heroes devoted to saving the weak of Paragon City to start a team called The Hive. All insect-, arachnid-, and crustacean-based heroes welcome. Ask for BugBite @ (555)555-5555

Hive Logo

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Issue #: 4 (Feb. 2003)

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